And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my being single is dangerous.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
