how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
