Your mouth is God's brothel.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
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this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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