You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
