This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
