So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need to stop coming to work sober
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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