Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Moan for me like Helen Keller
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
