Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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