Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
