i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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