you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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