Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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