I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
