Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
