Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
