The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
