there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
