You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
