I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
