Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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