I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
