Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
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