How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
