Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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