she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
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I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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