I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
