im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I will be naked everywhere
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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