yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
