Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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