His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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