that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He has the fingertips of a God
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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