I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
