i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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