I wish I could punch you in the face.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
