Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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