Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
