im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
