Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
