There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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