My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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