so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
