dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
