There was a lot of him and a little penis
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
