I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
