I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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