You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
