Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
