remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
