remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
