On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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