It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
NoShamevember. You game?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize