Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
