Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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