do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
