I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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