I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
