the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...