The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.