community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
