On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't deserve a penis
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
