Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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