yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
